I keep burying things and it's really worrying me, how easily I do this. *sigh*

It's just so damn hard for me to talk about it or admit it. It's so much easier to just play off the jokes of my broken heart and be bubbly and bouncy around everyone because then it doesn't have to hurt but god damn it. It still does sometimes and something will catch my eye and I feel that wretched wretched loneliness that I haven't felt forever.

Because damn it before this summer I had been content with everything.
This summer I was above and beyond content with everything.
And now I'm just always fucking longing to be recognized, I just want to feel fucking worthwhile again. For the first time ever I had felt like I was something extraordinary.

I'm not.

There's plenty of people like me in the world. I'm average. And that's why I pride myself when I recieve compliments stash them away and treasure them when a professor tells me how well I did in a discussion or exam. How they light up when they know I get it. How much I brighten when I can make my friends laugh, when the girls call out if I wanna grab lunch.

But when it comes to relationships its always been very fleeting for when I felt like I was desired. Like it dies out after awhile and I fade into something comfortable. But that's what I want - you don't need passion you need compassion

And now I'm sitting her, getting all deliriously happy over Harry Potter Fanfiction. H/D fanfiction...the lowest of the low. AND IT'S A COUPLE I DON'T EVEN SHIP in any way shape or form.

I just...Christ I just want to be happy again.

And some days I'm fine. Really just perfectly fine. But then there will be a moment when I see someone's blinding happiness and I've always been a wretchedly envious person. I just...

Christ, I think I'm depressed again.

Anna: Dude you wanna hear a dream I had
Me: Sure, because I know it's gonna be batshit crazy and that's why we're friends.
Anna: So like I'm back at High School with Andrew at lunch. And I go to get a drink from the vending machine and then the Giant Ground Hog comes barreling down the steps SPITTING BEES.

And then today:

Anna: GO ABBY!
Anna: saving the day
Me: HELL YEAH
Anna: haha
Me): It's my job as Cap. Lt. Col. Sparks
Anna: of the s.s gliding freedom
Anna: hahah we are sooo cool
Me: i know
Anna: we should start a business and just sell our coolness
Anna: i mean we have so much of it, we wouldnt run out
Anna: ... everyone else is so increedibly lame
Me): they try to soak in our coolness, like the rays of the sun
Anna: hahah basically, sometimes i will turn around and people will just be like following me with there arms out trying to soak it all up
Anna: BUT THE FAIL!!

Anna makes me laugh so hard I cry. We're so batshit crazy

Oh Good lord, I'm getting hooked on mythology again. Specifically Norse. I would love to just spend my life research and reading and get to be one of those experts simply on mythology. That would be the best.

No wonder JRR Tolkien and Joseph Campbell are my two biggest heroes. (Alexander Hamilton is the biggest but my ardor of him borders on unhealthy and we're not going into it) But whatev's I know that I can't make money that way in life so I'm still sorting out a productive way to make money out of my 1000 little whims that I so often get carried away with.

So back to Norse Mytholgoy. Yes, I have once again been swept up by Siegfried and I can't get enough about Ragnarok. Thank you British Writers I class. I have always liked Norse mythology the best, ever since I read Edith Hamilton in 6th grade. It's like the Classical Lit section of mythologies. Whereas Greek mythology is the trashy novel you just can't turn down. (Don't get me wrong it my second favorite of mythologies)

Anything else? Arabic was nuts - people need to calm down when learning a new alphabet...it's not impossible. Thank God I had Russian under my belt or I admit I would be a little daunted. Other news? I might be seeing Mirrors tonight...I think? (And I will probably go see Brideshead Revisited at that little artsy theatre on Murray by myself because every refuses to see. Damn it I know its a remake. I know it will be bad, but I can never turn down 20th century Brit Lit Films) And also heading home for the weekend to get my dress fixed for the wedding. Gahhhhhhhh.

Oh also. I read Octavia Butler's Bloodchild. Two Words - Published MPreg hahahahah. It was kinda like reading a well written fanfic. Maybe that's why I like Butler so much. It was also really funny cause a lot of the girls in my class on the discussion boards were like "OMG ewww male pregnancy." [except well more eloquent] and I thought they obviously had never ventured into the realm of slash fanfiction. I won't dare bring it up in class hahaha.

Still not a fan of mpreg. Never will be. But at least Butler's version was horrifically violent and very much Alien style. Baby worms popping out of chests and shit.

I need to finish The World Ends with You. And I can't stop playing Final Fantasy XII sidequests hahaha.

Okay I haven’t updated in ages and I feel that I should probably do that since I’m at college now. This is a little easier due to the fact I finally received my HP TABLET!!! My God, how I love you and your new Doctor Who background. I just need a few other things to make my room complete. The fact that it’s on the top floor and has a loft feel since the ceiling cuts in to the corner makes it an incredibly sweet room. So there’s a comfy corner and then where my desk is it’s quite spacious. It’s still pretty hot, but at least we have three fans going so it’s not too bad.

The last of my summer was pretty amazing. I had good times working at Alpine with the Pascoe family and my other co-workers Laine and Kelly are right down here in Oakland so I can always visit them. They were awesome to work with and are pretty cool chicks. Then of course there’s Nate.

Whom I haven't wrote much about considering I've been spending most of my summer with him. I really don't know what to say about him besides the fact that he makes me incredibly happy. It's hard to describe. I've just never been so...content with someone or felt so relaxed. And we get each other, know where each other is headed in conversation not to mention we have a large sum of similarities.

We decided to just see what happens in college. The main thing is we both wanted to concentrate on our majors and grades and figure out what we're doing with our lives (him especially considering it's sophomore year) But to be quite honest - I'm optimistic that we'll be able to make this work. It's kinda like starting over again figuring out how to make a relationship work. Sure it's my first relationship but I'm not demanding and I'm pretty understanding when it comes to things. As long as he stays emotionally connected with me I won't bitch or moan while we're away from each other. I know I'm gonna be going crazy sometimes, feel paranoid or just plain sad but he's worth suffering all that. Because I trust him and care about so much. He's worth it because I love him.

Saying goodbye to Nate on Wednesday was rough. Especially since nothing that day seemed to go as we had planned and thus we didn’t get to hang out before Kendo like we wanted. At least we relieved much of our stress by cutting tatami mats to pieces. It was also sad because I was saying had to say goodbye to my Sensei and Ed. But I'm not gonna go on about that because it's depressing and whiny.

So the next morning my father and I were off to Chatham. And I was set in for a week of planned orientation icebreakers. Joy. They weren’t too bad…or at least you bond with people over the badness of them. When we went to Eden Hall on Saturday we did a bunch of those random bonding activities that rely on teamwork. The Highlight was when I got thrown over a rope and everybody thought I died.

Also I am Miss International at Chatham College – truly a World Ready Woman. Some of my new buddies are from Pakistan, Trinidad, Korea, Japan and Nepal. Hadeel is my video game buddy because we both discovered that we share an intense love for the DS and Tekken. She also likes watching marathons of America’s next Top Model.

Also found a chick, Meg, who loves Resident Evil and another girl, Rachel, geeked out about Tim Gunn and the show Flipping Out with me. It’s…actually really great here. I’ve haven’t done any partying down at the other campuses but Abby and I are planning on doing it soon. I was supposed to do lunch with her today but she didn’t pick up. We’ll try for dinner.

Also completed my first assignment – Blood Child by Octavia Butler. Really interesting, we only had to read one of the short stories; The Evening, The Morning and The Night. I can’t wait to discuss it in class today.

My roommate Chelsey is nice. We actually get along quite decently. She likes Blood Brothers and Star Wars and Arrested Developments. She’s a chill artsy type. And she knitted her brother a Doctor Who scarf…so she’s pretty good in my book. It’s pretty sweet. She ventures out quite a bit so it’s good that I get some time in the room to myself , her bro is right down at CMU and last night she was out and about with her Boyfriend and friend from High School.

Speaking of boyfriends, Nate is already at Juniata. I miss him intensely. But it’s good to know he’s not that far away. Hopefully I will see him at my sister’s wedding or his birthday (secretly hoping for both) He has an amazing room…I’m so jealous. It will be exciting to visit him there eventually.

Oh we also have our first Residence Hall Meeting this Wednesday – so we’ll see how that goes. I’m guessing its some rules and other junk. But my RA, Sarah is pretty great. She likes Batman and Comics so needlessly to say we get along very well.
The room feels a little bland to me I need to fill it up with some posters and bring some of my corkboard stuff and definitely more pictures and probably some more books. I’m completely stocked up on movies and video games however hahaha.
At anyrate…that’s the buzz that’s been going on in my life. About in an hour I will be heading to my British writers course and then my science class before I get to go to my Speculative Fiction class.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Arabic and Printmaking ooooh. They’re trial classes to how I like them and which one I’ll keep. The Arts First Seminar in the Spring is gonna be amazing. I’ll also probably join Swim Team then. The pool is wonderful. We also have a Jacuzzi and Steam Room which will be fantastic in the winter.

Well I'm off to my next class! I really should have grabbed some breakfast this morning. Oh well.

I know I have a lot to update on. But I'll get to that in another post with pictures and blah blah blah.

I'm a bit depressed today, not nearly as bad as yesterday though. Probably 'cause I haven't seen Nate since Friday - which really isn't that long but we usually hang out every other day so it has majorly sucked. And I couldn't see him yesterday at Kendo because it's my Grandmother's birthday so I had to clean the entire house and help my father make dinner. *Sigh* And now I might not see him today as we were supposed to see Wanted - but I'm working from 4 - 8 and not the earlier shift so (&^&*%(^*%^%)* my plans. SO PISSED about that.

But on the awesome side I've been hanging out with people I haven't seen forever - like Anna who I am hopefully going to see Saturday at her bro's concert. Also Brittany, Justin, Rob and I are gonna do our annual Mr. Byko's 10th grade 2nd period class reunion - which is a really long title for just going out to get coffee together because we're that cool.

Michael has been sad that I can't come visit him and Manda as often now that I work. But I have been playing Metal Gear Solid 4 with him as much as possible - which I can't even describe how wonderful that is. I only got to the second act but we're probably gonna play it all day friday in celebration of the founding of our country. I don't how you get more Patriotic. Coop's been seriously depressed that I have not played through all the way so we can be elitists about how emotionally connected to the game we are and then we're gonna talk about our feelings. Basically. We're so awesome.

Speaking of which - I got to hang with him and Abby on Monday. We played Alone in the Dark which is strangely the best yet worst game ever. It's really ambitious but the glitchiness of it and other parts just made us laugh so hard we cried. And the ways they come up to kill you were hilarious. It was a fantastic night, I haven't just simply chilled with them in what seems like ages, it's especially been hard to hang out with Abby because every time we tried work got in the way. Luckily she just randomly called of 3 days of work so that freed some time for us haha. Then on Tuesday, I picked up the World Ends with You and talked about MGS with Coop at Gamestop. But instead of letting me buy my game he stuck stickers on games and made me loiter in the shop because my purchase didn't rank high enough on his priority list for work. Since he kept me there til basically closing, we ended up chilling after he got out of work and went to see Wall-E. Absolutely adorable. Definately one of Pixar's best. Then afterwards we went to eat 'n Park and jammed out to music in his car.

Oh yay! Nate texted me back and I will be seeing Wanted today! HELL YEAH! Carto and Vince told me it was good stuff - although Vince was like SUPER DUPER excited about his experience.

And just by the way - I adore Dick and Babs. First het OTP I've had in...Jesus the longest time. I love them so much. I think I just a few things I really look in my fandom couplings - the relationship is wrong, obsessive and must involve damaged people who just can't admit being together would make their lives exponentially better.

Oh and the answer to the title above: Today is the 145th anniversary of the Second Day of the Battle of Gettysburg. Needless to say Dad and I have been geeking out all day. We watched the opening of the movie last night and had to stop before we watched the entire film like we normally do.

Well better go get dressed 'cause the movie starts at 1 and it's almost 12 now. Whoops.

Vince (at tekko): Yeah were coming up. You scot to in back down and dance and help of of find someone?

All from this week:

Cooper: (2:45 am)Dude, are you up?
Me: yeah
Cooper: Really? Or did I wake you up?
Me: technically...yes but whatever I’m awake now

Ash: Are you coming into work
Me: Yeah I’ll be there after I’m done with the Guidance office, shouldn’t be much longer
Ash: okay, I’ll be here...waiting
Me: That’s because you’re a creeper
Ash: I love you!
Me: Creeper!

And just now:

Abby: Bitch. That’s a mistake
Me: Hahah. Where did this come from?
Abby: I am wasted. Hahaha. And bitch. That was a mistake
Me: Haha, I thought you were under the influence of something.
Abby: Every night. Everyday. You and nat better feel seal the deal soon. I am getting impatient.
Me: HAHA I love you.
Unknown: git summmmm.wrap it b4 you tap it!!
Me: Abby who did you give my number to?
Abby: Sebestion (her spelling)
Unknown: darling its better, down where its wetter...take it from me! ;)
Me: It’s Marissa isn’t it?
Abby: Hahah. Never.
[The next day I did find out it was indeed Marissa]

But this is my favorite:

Nate: Just to reiterate and reinforce, I had an absolutely wonderful time today.

That was after our first date. XD

Right now I'm hiding out in the computer lab because today is going to be full of study halls. Don't really know why I even came to school today.

At anyrate, my life has been absolutely hecktic for the past few days. It's because a shitload of my family came in or has just come to visit us (The entire Dick Family, Sean, and Christie) and then my sister's buddies (Quiggs and Heather) We're probably gonna see Leanne real soon too 'cause she just moved back to Pittsburgh for her new Job. Luckily I love all these people, its just I've been all over the place.

Oh and I finally got to use my talents to help the family. It's pretty cool in my family because someone will usually have an area that they excel at, which is very useful if you need help.

So Sean is starting up a new Dance company with his friend and they need a logo done. They were gonna get one done by this guy in California but he charged them an outrageous amount and Sean thought 'Screw it, I'll ask Abby if she can do it.' It's not done yet, but he's loving the dancer logo I made on photoshop for him.

Also I've been hanging out with my cousin Caitlyn which is amazing because we get to geek out with each other. She loves Neon Genesis Evangelion, Kurosawa Films and is a Comic Book nut. She hasn't been able to do comic book talk much since she quit Illusion TV.

So to cheer her up, I made a sweet Batgirl Sketch for her. She's gonna love it. And we are having a full geek out day Saturday. I'm so freaking excited. And we're gonna watch the Batman Cartoons and revel in the awkward creepy romance of Batgirl and Robin - because its so wrong but so right. Might be my fav couple [That or Alfred and Lucius 'cause that is basically canon in the new series (Like IvyxHarley in the old) and funny as hell to me]

Then I'm gonna try to go to Travis' Epic Party, because the last one was awesome and I had a great time. Then Sunday is Teejay's Birthday Party and grad parties. Thank God we have Monday off or I might be dead.

Also my sister started a bookclub. She's super excited about it. I'm making mock rules for them. So far our favorite was Your cellphone must be put on VIBRATE or OFF if you have a GAY ASS RINGTONE. However, if you have an awesome ringtone please put it on high so that everyone can enjoy it. This were mocking my mother's crazy friend's rules she made up for their club. Quiggs gets the first pick of book, I'm happy because we have very similar tastes in reading and music.

Eh, 4th period is ending. Finish this up later.

So a couple things have been incessantly on my mind for the past few days as the summer draws nearer. I've been good so far when it comes to concentrating on schoolwork when I'm so close to the end of the year. Yes, I've given up on trying, but the fact remains that I'm still doing the work and turning it in. Which I think is admirable at this point.

So these are some things I have planned out for myself to do during the summer since I don't have the time to right now (Or at least until May 9). This is the tentative list, I will add/delete things as I see fit; because I'm sick of adding little notes to myself in sketchbook/phone when a new goal pops in my head.

Books to Read:
A Short History of Nearly Everything (Because Bill Bryson is amazing)
A Walk in the Woods (Same as before)
Anything Goes (Hahaha, ohhh John Barrowman, I wish I could quit you)
TR (Biographies are my new crack)
Norse Mythology (Because it's super special awesome)
Brave New World (I've been meaning to read this for a year)

Music and groups to check out more of:
Cole Porter - Day and Night (Make that any John Barrowman Musical Rendition)
Daniel Bedingfield - The Way (Not to be confused with Fastball)
Wise Guys - Nur Fur Dich (Yay German a cappella)

Games: (Need to Get)
The World Ends with You (Because it looks sweet as hell)
Mario Kart (Because that is sweet as hell)

(Beat)
Final Fantasy XII (Recovered from the mono before I could finish it. And I was too obsessed with sidequests, damn it.)
Apollo Justice (I'm so ashamed I haven't started it yet)

Things I want to accomplish:
Learn to Knit and create the Tom Baker Scarf (I will do this before I die)
Finish my College Bag (I ruin my free swag)
Learn to play the Zelda Medley on Piano (I found the sheet music)


That's a pretty good start I think.

Alrighty time to update what's going on in my life.

( School and Health )

( And I probably have the greatest Dad known to man. It's pretty much certifiably undeniable. )


( Lastly I'm a World Ready Woman and the remaining info on my weekend. )


I get to see the Dicks this week yay!

Holy Crap Tekko is this weekend.

And I finally got Prom stuff set - thank God.